I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
