He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
