Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize