I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You pole danced in your parka.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
