Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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