i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
