i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My breasts were aching with rage.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
