He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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