You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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