you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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