saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
