I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
