I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize