I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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