life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
