I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
