I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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