Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
vagina is talking i cant
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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