K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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