census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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