I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
