I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
