I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I fill condoms, not promises.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
