booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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