I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
