I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
