i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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