The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
