Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
It's Friday. Sex?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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