oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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