I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize