friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We left the knife in your bed.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
