i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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