there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
