So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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