I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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