There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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