Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
