my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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