I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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