"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
