He uses pillows to masturbate.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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