so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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