Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
