Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
