Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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