Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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