2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize