Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
