while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
dude. I can hear the air.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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