haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
