i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
