3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
