The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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