my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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