The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
