I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
