i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
