Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
There are leaves in my underwear?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
