I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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