Too much gin, very little bucket
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
