he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
