you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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