I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
