Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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