My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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