genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
