and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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