you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
