Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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